I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I was still friends with the people I was friends with in primary school. I often think this if when I am sometimes surrounded by a group of 'friends' but I still feel alone, because are they truly 'friends' if you still feel alone?
One of my friends from primary was one of the popular girls. Once we got to secondary school she remained the popular girl and I kind of just existed. We never really talked and we grew apart. I often wonder what it would be like if I was still friends with her. I think I could have got thinner, all the girls in that group were and are thin and so I think I would have been more motivated. She would probably encourage me if that was what I wanted to do and come to the gym with me so I wasn't on my own. I feel like if we were still friends then my name would be better known. People know her name but do they really know mine? I also wonder would I have a good friendship group, everyone in her friendship group now are pretty close whereas in mine chaos tends to reign and arguments are almost common, except for a few people. I feel like I would have learnt not to be a wallflower if I were still friends with her, she tends to go to parties whereas I do not and if I do then by the wall is where I tend to remain because the coolness of it gives me a reminder that I am here and that I won't get dragged away by crowds. But, if I were still friends with her where would mine and her loyalty lie. I would stick up for her through everything as I very often did, whereas she did not. Her other friends called me names and she stood back and said nothing. That was kind of the final straw for me that furthered our impending separation. As the procrastinator I am, I can't help but think of all these possibilities, because maybe in another universe somewhere we are still friends and everything played out right, or maybe it didn't. But I can still wonder.